from thebandwagoncity.com - where to go when miami nice is too girly.
I’m a sucker for all those Facebook quizzes that tell you which Power Ranger you are, or which house you’d belong to in Hogwarts (Gryffindor, naturally). So I thought it’d be fun to do the same with the two biggest forces of the summer in Miami thus far, The Miami Heat and the cast of Season 2 of the Jersey Shore. Please note, I didn’t include Sammi or JWoww because I think they’re horrible. I don’t think the others aren’t horrible, I just hate Sammi and JWoww more than I hate Gator fans. So here…we….go.
Dwyane Wade as “The Situation”
He’s the leader, whether the other cast-mates admit it or not. He’s got the pedigree, winning a championship before anyone else in his draft class (no, we don’t talk about that Darko guy), and he’s got the looks, as evidenced by his now infamous People magazine “50 Most Beautiful People” Photo shoot where he was so damn beautiful. It’s true he’s been with some grenades in the past (having Mario Chalmers as your starting point guard is sure to knock you a few rungs down the social ladder) but he plays the game harder than anyone on the ‘Shore. Just like the rest of his the cast, he’s primed to increase his already gargantuan celebrity status. Dwyane Wade is an NBA Finals MVP, an NBA All Star MVP, and has a winning smile, the only place left to go is leader of the best basketball team of all time. Is it a bit premature to label this team the best before they’ve even signed a full compliment of players? Not at all. And yeah, I know I didn’t put “The Situation’s” real name up but he doesn’t need one, he’s “The Situation”, come on.
LeBron James as Paul “Pauly D” Delvecchio
They both went from packing the house for shows (although the Quicken Loans Arena was a bit bigger than Pauly D’s club) to becoming second fiddle to another star. “Pauly D” and “The Situation” became inseparable on the first season of “Jersey Shore”. Part of the reason this partnership worked out so well is because they both know their place, “The Situation” being the pack leader, and “Pauly D”, his sidekick. The dynamic is the same with Dwyane and LeBron, Dwyane is in charge, and LeBron is the second in command. Not that LeBron couldn’t carry this team like he carried all those horrible assemblies of basketball cast-offs before, it’s just not as fun. For both “Pauly D” and LeBron, it makes sense to let someone else take the reins and just sit back and enjoy the night. LeBron also brings with him the baggage of a crazy ex-girlfriend (no, not the crazy Israeli chick, I’m referring to the city of Cleveland) which should prove to be entertaining throughout the season.
Chris Bosh as Vincent “Vinny” Guadagnino
The most level headed of all the cast-mates, Vinny goes along for the ride for a large chunk of the first season, it isn’t until the last few episodes that Vinny starts to emerge from his (stuffed pasta) shell. With a career in acting in the cards, Vinny might be the one who benefits the most from his time on the ‘Shore. Bosh, like Vinny, has no actual nickname, just a shortened version of his first name, which is wack I know. He is however, sneakily funny, offering up tidbits of humor combined with superb comedic timing. Chris, or as he’s known to his friends, “Chris”, also jumped on the inner-tube that was the Dwyane-LeBron experience and held on for dear life as they sped down the water slide. Forget the Miami Heat, Chris “Chris” Bosh is the biggest winner of the Summer of 2010. While we’re at it, anyone who can come up with a nickname for Chris Bosh will get a moderately priced prize of my choosing. “The Bosh Pit”? “Bosh.0”? “The Klingon”? Someone has to help me out here.
Juwan Howard as Angelina Pivarnick
I like this for no other reason than that Angelina left three episodes into the first season and returned for the second season as if nothing happened, ready to cash in. I’m ok with this because she lost some weight and looks pretty good. The parallel here is that Juwan, a name I’ve always wanted to say in a serious setting, left Miami after his horrendous one hundred million dollar contract was invalidated for violating salary cap rules. He ended up re-signing with the Washinton Bullets (yeah, he’s that old) for $107 million, doing so much damage to the franchise that they had to rename it. Now he’s back to kick some ass…as the third or fourth guy off the bench, as you can see I’m thoroughly excited for Juwan Howard Redux (a Francis Ford Coppola Film). I feel it’s also relevant to mention that Juwan Howard’s middle name is Antonio. I’m feeling the urge to refer to him as exclusively as “Antonio”, even though we’ll probably never refer to him again.
Eddie House as Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi
Eddie House is short, he’s high energy, he got sucker punched/slapped in the Eastern Conference Semis by Rafer Alston, and if any NBA player is ever going to cartwheel in a skirt with no underwear on, it’s between him and Ron Artest. Couldn’t you see Eddie House shouting “WAHHH!” like Snooki after every missed three? Wouldn’t you want to? Is anyone actually reading this? There are a few certainties here; first and foremost, if anyone on this team could pull off a Pouf, it’s Eddie House and his ubiquitous headband. I can’t wait for Eddie, his long socks, and his undeserved sense of accomplishment to trot out of the tunnel in a Heat uniform. Eddie is of course “Snookin’ for another title”, to match the one he “earned” with the Celtics. Who am I kidding, I love Eddie House. Come on Eddie, shower us will ill-advised treys! Fun Fact: he was banished from the Celtics for breaking Danny Ainge’s Three Point Percentage record. Moral of the story? If you’re black, don’t break a white guy’s record in Boston.
Joel Anthony as Ronnie Ortiz-Magro
Everyone’s favorite active UNLV player (After Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks, obviously), Joel Anthony returns as the possible starting center of the 2010-2011 Miami Heat. He’s undersized, but is tough and always fights for what he believes in. Surprisingly, Ronnie is the exact same way! He’s short and fights! They also don’t fit in with their respective groups; while Mario Chalmers and Michael Beasley watched Spongebob SquarePants and did Whippets; Joel was writing poetry and reading books. While the cast of the Jersey Shore is of Italian descent, Ronnie is half Puerto-Rican, which I’m told is a mark of distinction among hut dwellers of the western Carribean. As long as Joel Anthony doesn’t end up in handcuffs like Ronnie or Carlos Arroyo (who’s half Puerto-Rican, half Golden Panther), I’m sure he’ll excel in the “stay out of Wade, James, and Bosh’s way” offense which Erik Spoelstra is thought to be installing for the upcoming season
-Jose Leon
